I spoke with a woman yesterday who said she was disappearing from her own life...
When I pressed on, she admitted that when it came to outings, being at the beach, a party, a family gathering, she was the one taking the picture, rather than being in it.
She was ashamed of her weight. Of where she was living. Of where life had taken her, slowly, year by year. She didn't even notice it happening, really, it was such a slow burn....
I have heard this many times before, the fear of the camera, of socializing, not wanting to even go out for dinner with family or friends, because of feeling lousy in her clothes, and not wanting to be seen.
But it was the level of shame and self-loathing that was hard to listen to, from this beautiful woman....(that part always hurts my heart).
How does it get so bad? How do we let things slip away, little by little, until we stop living in a way, we stop showing up, instead, we parade around everyone, holding the camera so we can be in control of the narrative, the story, the picture itself.
Self love is the greatest gift we can give ourselves, but sadly, in our culture, we are not taught (or supported) in this avenue. Instead, we turn every heartache, every disappointment, every failure back onto ourselves, putting it into our bodies and our bones where it ruminates for years, disabling our self esteem and causing us shrink down.
I was one of those women for years, using food, then drugs and alcohol, bad boyfriends and such to numb my pain. My coping skills were minimal, and my ability to like myself (let's just start there, just in the like position) was based on whether I was in a good place in my life or not...I was letting the circumstances determine whether I was worthy or not, rather than reclaiming myself from the mess.
And oh, what a mess I was. What a mess my life was. My health, my body, was testament to my belief systems, and what I felt I deserved (or didn't deserve).
So yes, I know what women go through when they lose themselves over many years. I know how they feel on the inside, and how it gets displayed on the outside, in the body, the habits, the awkward giggles and small talk that is often hiding the real self, because she's afraid to be seen, to be real...
This woman was hiding out from the camera....she was hiding out from life itself.
When my son was diagnosed, my world and my body fell apart. For 8 long years, I lived in that awful place, my body and my spirit broken, beat up on, feeling worthless and without hope. I let go of all healthy food habits. I stopped exercising. I began a slow tumble down that rabbit hole...sad for my son, my family, our future....and down and down I went. I was lost as a mother, a wife, a woman, really...
How did I slip so bad? Why didn't I stop it?
I felt ashamed, weak, a victim to life.
Then I changed my step....I decided I would not let that be my legacy. I didn't want to leave this earth with that sad legacy attached to me, the girl that once was on top of her game, sadly, fell from grace and was now living in a rut, hiding out from the world.
So I shifted...I began another story, a story of survival, of courage, of breaking old patterns and habits, and I began to look at my son, us, our life, my own goals and potential from a very different place...
That was 29 years ago, and I am still on that journey. Because the journey never ends. It's not meant to.
So if you feel stuck in your body, your weight, your life, if you're feeling despondent and small, it's ok. There is a way out.
If you've been hit hard by life, challenges, circumstances, give yourself an invisible hug. Know that there is a way out. There always is.
"The committed will always find a way", is a well known dictum.
It just takes courage, and a real desire to step outside your comfort zone, and reclaim your body and your health, inside and out.
Be brave today ladies. Step in.
It's all in your hands...
